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Page 22 Prev-Next Page

 

 

April 10, 2001

Barfly, Leave Him in the Dust? Flowers, and 

College Acceptance  Stress

 

Dear Mrs. Web, 

I met a man about a year ago that I have recently come to care very deeply about, he is very sensitive, caring and seems to feel the same about me. He works close to 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. Last year he had a serious accident and his long-term girlfriend moved out.

I do believe that he is trying very hard to get back on his feet. However, after work, he heads straight to the bar and 80 percent of the time closes the bar. I am very worried about his health; he works so hard, and drinks so much. He is not getting enough rest and his eating habits are poor.

My main concern is his drinking; he is 45 years old and tells me he is ready to settle down. I recently ended a relationship where alcohol was the main problem and I don't want to go through that again. Please tell me how to show my concern without sounding like his mother.

You are considering a relationship with an alcoholic. Moreover, you are concerned about hurting his feelings about his poor life choices. Why are you worried about how you sound? The blunt truth is that he is an alcoholic and you should be running in the opposite direction. You have known him a year now. What could possibly attract you to a barfly, even a delightful barfly? Do you really want to deal with all the problems that occur in a marriage to an alcoholic? Itís not anything Iíd volunteer to do.

Women who coast from one alcoholic to another usually like the familiar craziness of the alcoholic life. I recommend Al-Anon. Get some perspective here.

 


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

There is a boy at my school. He has liked me for a while. I started liking him. He told one of my friends that he liked me but he was to shy to say it. So, I asked him out. He said it was up to his parents, but he also said that he would like to. Today he told me that he never said he wanted to go out with me. I think he said it because other people found out. Should I leave him in the dust or keep trying?

Leave him in the dust. If someone told me he never said he wanted to go out with me, I would take it as "No". I would find someplace else for my interests. It is important to listen to what people say and how it relates to you.

 


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

I want to send flowers to a woman that I have recently met. What special day should I choose to do so, Easter or Motherís Day? I am not sending for each occasion.

Unless you have had a direct or indirect role in this womanís motherhood, donít send flowers to her on Motherís Day

One should only acknowledge Motherís Day with a woman who has some kind of motherly role in your life, wife, mother, grandmother, close Aunt, a daughterÖ 

Therefore, my choice would be Easter or perhaps an unexpected, fresh, spring bouquet just because it is spring!

 


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am really stressing about college. I havenít received my acceptances yet from the colleges I applied to and I am worried that I will not get into any of them. I need ways to stop my stress. HELP ME!!

Dear Mrs Web wants to assure you that it is out of your hands and you will do just fine, whatever happens.

  When I am stressed over something I have no control over, I make sure I treat myself well. I also do relaxation exercises and play calming music. I get rid of television and anything blaring and jangling. Long hot soaks in the tub, my favorite books and movies, a favorite food as a treat, and lots of exercise, I usually walk three miles a day but I will increase it to five during extremely stressful times. I take all the other stress I can away, such as extraneous appointments, or other worries. I do my best to cooperate with my family and avoid the people I find difficult to cope with in my life.

The other thing you need to realize is that is nothing in a college rejection that can really hurt you. You may be disappointed, but when one path closes other paths open. You have nothing to fear.

 

April 9, 2001

 

Old Love, and Helping Her Brother

 

Dear Mrs. Web, 

I dated a man in college for two years. It was my first relationship. Circumstances caused us to split. I moved to California to work. I have not seen this man in 18 years.

I am happily married, we have three children, and I am fortunate in many ways. My husband is a wonderful man. We are perfectly matched.

Recently a friend from college died suddenly and tragically. She was part of the group of close friends I had at school. My old love was also part of the group. I have been thinking of my old love constantly. I want to contact him and talk over this loss with him. This man is married and there is no real reason to contact him. I have written and torn up letters, and have tried to find his email and even have his telephone number. I just want to connect with him now.

I have told my husband about my problem. He is concerned too. What is going on with me? What should I do?

What you are experiencing is not uncommon. You have lost your boundaries about a past relationship. Often, an event such as a death can open these boundaries.

You gave your heart to someone 12 years ago. Then the relationship ended. You both moved on. There is, at this time, a denial that relationships cost us much. Or that they leave lasting impressions in our lives. This is, of course, not true. When we emotionally and physically connect with someone, we carry it throughout our lives. It is, in some ways, a marriage, with all the liability to the heart. This is why I am such a great advocate of courtship.

I had something similar happen to me with my first husband. After many years, I had a great urge to connect with him. It too, happened during the death, of a family member. I discovered my need to acknowledge the great pain of our divorce (I had denied it back when it happened) and mourn the end of relationship. This happened over ten years into my present marriage. I mourned the loss of the path not continued, the life I did not lead, the children we did not haveÖ It was truly a time of unpacking the past, then repacking it in a new way. I was able to do this in the safety and strength of my marriage with my husband and children as my anchors.

This is a somewhat common issue. We sometimes lose our boundaries and our feelings rage out of control. This is the time we cling to our  commitments and rely on the the good judgment of others, such as our spouse and family.  Feelings are fleeting, and change depending on emotional and physical states. Donít base your life on them. 

Think of the people who have exploded their lives in order to follow a feeling, such as the man who leaves his wife and family for the 21-year-old aerobics instructor, or the mom who ditches everything to live with the meter man. Only then can you realize how destructive a truly feelings-based decision-making process can bring.

At the same time I am not saying ignore your feelings, they do need to be processed, cried over, written about, and deeply experienced. I find writing (but not sending) a letter to the person in question to be a big relief. Some people do other creative things like make a sculpture, painting a picture, using photography, or writing and performing music.

In short, no, I do not think you should contact your past beloved. I think you should instead, do the processing work, repackage this piece of your life, and move on.

 


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am 14 and my brother is 10. Last week he burned both his hands very bad and he cant get them wet. Last night my mom got mad and said I had to help her and made me give him a bath which was gross. I dot think I should have to do that dot you agree?

I am assuming your Mom wanted you to help her by having you hold his bandaged hands while she washed him. If this is the case, although I understand your embarrassment, sometimes nursing a hurt family member takes more than one pair of hands.

If on the other hand you are saying that you had to give him a bath by yourself because she was busy doing other things, I think you have a point to negotiate. You could ask her whether you could trade that chore for different chores that would take some of the burden off her. Do the negotiating when she is not too busy, but when you can talk to her quietly and privately. If you show a lot of willingness to do other things, she most likely will see your perspective and change your jobs.

 

 

April 6, 2001

 

In Trouble, Wedding Dress Blues, It's Not the Same Anymore!

 

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a student in high school and I get into trouble too much. My parents get very mad and they punish me severely. What they do not understand is that it is not all my fault that I get into trouble. There is a teacher who doesnít like me and he picks arguments with me. What should I do?

Keep your mouth shut. If you are continuously having problems then you need to do it differently. If someone started picking arguments with me, I would stop taking the bait. Instead, smile and agree with them. Change the subject if possible. Suddenly remember another commitment and leave politely.

 


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a single mother who has raised two fine children. It has been hard and I have not always been the best of mothers but I have always tried to be there for them.

My 20-year-old daughter is engaged. She has not set a date yet for the wedding but has decided it will not be until 2002 or even 2003. We went looking for wedding dresses and we just window-shopped. She found a dress she liked. I did not realize at the time that she wanted to try it on and buy it.

After our shopping excursion, she contacted my wealthy aunt. Together and without me, they went shopping at the wedding dress store. My aunt ordered it and paid for it. I am soooooo hurt. I wanted to be with my only daughter when we bought her wedding dress. Neither my sister nor my daughter understands why I am angry. Am I overreacting?

You wanted to be a part of the dress buying as mother of the bride. This is definitely a Motherís Hallmark Moment. I would be a bit hurt too, but I am not sure it is worth getting angry over.

I would feel that I missed an opportunity. I evaluate and choose what other opportunities will be important to me as mother of the bride. I would have a long and loving talk with my daughter, a real heart-to-heart about how much the wedding means to me. I would discuss how much I would like to work side by side with her on certain aspects. I would be loving and clear. I would listen closely to my daughter and see if we could find places in the wedding planning and execution that we could do together. Finally, I would realize that brides get a little crazy, and give her some grace.

 


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been dating the same guy for nearly 3 years. Heís meant absolutely everything to me, and weíve done so much together. We have been in college, camp counselors, and wonderful vacations together. I was so much in love with him, and have spent many special moments with him. We planned to be married.

In the past few months, our relationship has changed. Heís left me feeling neglected. He stopped doing all of the cute, sweet romantic things he used to do and we both began to take each other for granted. Two weeks ago, we decided to take a break from our relationship. I have been sort of seeing someone who I know likes me and Iím definitely interested.

I keep feeling that I am doing the wrong thing by seeing the other man. I feel as though I should be going back to my boyfriend instead to try to resolve our problems. Do you have any advice?

The honeymoon is over. Too bad you didnít wait until you were married to have it.

You have had an emotionally and physically intimate relationship with a young man for three years. You are not married and therefore have no real binding force in your relationship except your feelings. Feelings change. It sounds like they have cooled for the both of you.

April 5, 2001

 

Family Fight, and Liposuction

 

 

Dear Mrs. Web:

My sister, who is crazier than a bat, married secretly.  My parents and other family members kept it a secret, at my sister's request,  from my aunt, who is my sister's business partner.    

About six months ago, I had enough of this lying, and I told my aunt. My sister took my children, both under 12 out to eat and pumped them to find out whether I was the one who told on her.  Of course, they said yes.   I am furious that my sister would use my children in such a manner. She used them.  I told her she would never be alone with my daughters again.

I did not say they would never see them again, but she has cut us out of her life, and so has the rest of the family.  I have not spoken to any of my family since December. 

One of our relatives was recently rushed to the hospital and the whole family ended up talking together in the hospital waiting room. When I spoke to my mother and told her my grievances she ignored them.  She just said that this has gone on too long. 

The absence of a relationship with my family really bothers one of my children. I don't know what to do.. The cruel things that were said and done and the lies and secrets cannot be undone; but I would hate to go to my mother's funeral having not talked to her...more for the sake of my children than anything else. What do you think?

People disappoint us and behave badly all the time Ė that is the nature of living with humans. Family seems to do it best. Our job as adults is not to get angry, or do the cutoff. Instead, it is to confront them gently; with truth and love.  Also to show the disappointment, hurt, and sadness in your heart. Realize there are some things and people you cannot change and accept this with grace. Remember we can love people and still not play their silly games.

Your grievances, frankly, although valid and important to you, are minor in the face of the loss of your family life. Forgiveness and an ability to travel above the fray are wonderful abilities to cultivate when in difficult family situations. 

We all have ÖahemÖ unusual relatives and the best thing to do with them is to enjoy them at an emotional distance and keep our integrity intact.

The last thing you want to teach your children is that the best or final response to a situation that doesnít resolve to their liking is to cut the people off. This is your family. In my opinion, it is time to reach out.


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

How much does liposuction cost? 2,000-10,000 dollars?

I think it would depend on the area and amount to be liposuctioned. If we were removing a wee bit under the chin, it would certainly be less than sucking out olí thunder thighs.

My guess would be in the $2-10,000 range. Good plastic surgeons will be able to give you a firm price. I would make an appointment and discuss it with a reputable physician. Careful, there are many quacks out there with a compressor and a three-day workshop under their belts. Get someone experienced and board-certified.

 

 

April 5, 2001

 

Important Qualities, 

The Kid Won, and 

A Young Bounder

 

Dear Mrs. Web,

What are some of the most important qualities men want to have in a woman?

I think the qualities valued depend upon the man. The only quality every man I have known requires in a relationship is fidelity.

Otherwise, is seems some want intelligent women, for others, it is not a major requirement. Some like independent women, others want cling-ons. Some place an inordinate emphasis on physical beauty, others really donít care or prefer an inner beauty.  Some prefer women who look like their mothers, some don't.

So I donít think there is a list that works with every single guy. The best way to explore the subject is to ask the favorite guy what he thinks most men look for in a woman and then ask how his list would be similar/different.

 


 

Dear Mrs Web,

I have been dating a wonderful woman, with 2 children. We have dated over 8 months. She is a good friend.  My son is with his mother on weekends so I was sleeping at her house.  She is a wonderful woman and someday we hoped to become more committed. She has said she loves me.

Her oldest child is 9. I like both the children but the 9-year-old often surprises us with midnight visits. When I told him that our bedroom is for the adults and he should go to his room, he got mad. I donít know what he said to his mother but she told me that our romance would have to end. She didnít invite me to dinner last Friday as per usual and I have been told I will no longer spending the night with her. What happened? What can I do?

You are telling me that when you put some limits on the 9 year-old about closing the motherís bedroom off to him, the relationship cooled.  Sir, you came between a mother and her kid. Bad place to be.

You are in an uncommitted relationship with this woman with a "Maybe somedayÖfuture." You have no grounds and no standing in this family. You are a sex add-on feature, her good friend and love bug. Friends come and go, and one can love a teddy bear too. So the words "I love you" donít mean much to me.

You are also in a relationship with a woman who would let an uncommitted man into her bed and play house with her family. In my opinion, this is a woman with inappropriate boundaries and poor judgment. If you want someone to love you back, be in relationships where you have some standing and influence. Make a commitment and get married.

 


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

I like this girl. She has been hurt so many times she will not give in to me. I want her and cannot stop thinking about her. How can I get her?

Not with Dear Mrs. Webís help, you... bounder, you...! Dear Mrs Web does not believe for one moment that having uncommitted sex is good for this poor girl (or you). Of course, she will be hurt, and so will you, on one level or another. Uncommitted emotional and physical relationships hurt our innermost being and cause us to treat others like objects for our convenience and desires.  

Dear Mrs Web supports courtship as an option for men and women. An increasing number of thoughtful dating aged singles are becoming involved. Look in my bookshelf for more information.

 

 

April 4, 2001

 

Important Qualities, The Kid Won, and A Young Bounder

 

 

Dear Mrs. Web,

What are some of the most important qualities men want to have in a woman?

I think the qualities valued depend upon the man. The only quality every man I have known requires in a relationship is fidelity.

Otherwise, is seems some want intelligent women, for others, it is not a major requirement. Some like independent women, others want cling-ons. Some place an inordinate emphasis on physical beauty, others really donít care or prefer an inner beauty (Sometimes a beauty only they can see.).

So I donít think there is a list that works with every single guy. The best way to explore the subject is to ask the favorite guy what he thinks most men look for in a woman and then ask how his list would be similar/different.

 


 

Dear Mrs Web,

I have been dating a wonderful woman, with 2 children. We have dated over 8 months. I sleep at her house on weekends. My son is with his mother weekends so I can leave home. She is a wonderful woman and someday we hoped to become more committed. She has said she loves me.

The oldest child is 9. I like both the children but the 9-year-old tend to midnight visits. When I told him that our bedroom should be for adults and he should go to his room, he got mad. I donít know what he said to his mother but she told me that our romance would have to end. She didnít invite me to dinner Friday as per usual and I have been told I will no longer spending the night with her. What happened? What can I do?

You are telling me that when you put some limits on the 9 year-old about closing the motherís bedroom off to him, the relationship cooled.  Sir, you came between a mother and her kid. Bad place to be.

You are in an uncommitted relationship with this woman with a "Maybe somedayÖfuture." You have no grounds and no standing in this family. You are a sex add-on feature, her good friend and love bug. Friends come and go, and one can love a teddy bear too. These words donít mean much to me.

You are also in a relationship with a woman who would let an uncommitted man into her bed and play house with her family. In my opinion, this is a woman with inappropriate boundaries and poor judgment. If you want someone to love you back, be in relationships where you have some standing and influence. Make a commitment and get married.

 


 

Dear Mrs. Web,

I like this girl. She has been hurt so many times she will not give in to me. I want her and cannot stop thinking about her. How can I get her?

Not with Dear Mrs. Webís help, you... bounder, you...! Dear Mrs Web does not believe for one moment that having uncommitted sex is good for this poor girl (or you). Of course, she will be hurt, and so will you, on one level or another. Uncommitted emotional and physical relationships have made her rightfully fearful. Dear Mrs Web supports courtship as an option for men and women. An increasing number of thoughtful dating aged singles are becoming involved. Look in my bookshelf for more information.

 

 

 

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