He should be extra-nice.

Did you both run away from your problems or did you face them squarely? Did you tell him about your hurt and pain? Did he beg forgiveness and did you both get to the point of vulnerability and renewal? Or, are you still scrunched up in pain? When renewal happens in a marriage, it is a kind of a honeymoon, but with new level of wisdom, self-knowledge, knowledge of the beloved, and acceptance of each other.

Trust is earned. When trust is broken the trust-breaker has to work twice as hard to establish it again. And the one who was hurt has to work to establish benchmarks of trust: First I trust to here, then to here, then to here, finally, completely.

You both may want spiritual or marriage counseling to learn ways to learn to re-establish trust. This is not a one-year project. This kind of healing and change takes time.

I wish you well; you are in my thoughts.

I think you are doing a wonderful job teaching your daughter how to protect herself around this woman and her child. There are difficult people in this world and you have the misfortune of living next door to one of them. I would continue your explanations and support.  

As an adult I would cheerfully offer my greetings to your neighbor when you encounter them but would avoid any other contact with her or her child. Always be polite and distant to the child, and remove yourself from its presence. They are not safe people.

You didn’t say how old your child is, I would tell her to greet these people quietly and politely. It is a good skill to learn that some relationship end at greeting levels. I would turn this all into a rueful joke, quite frankly, and not load it so much. Let’s face, your neighbor’s behavior is pathetic and silly. 

When she comes home with a story of a snub, smile and shake your head and point out how sad and silly the behavior is, to snub a little child. This is a way to defuse the hurt and minimize the interaction. Continue to assure her that it is they and not she. Eventually, these people will turn into a family joke.

Your adult daughter has decided to marry her boyfriend with the support of his family. I am assuming you are against this marriage and that she knows it.

She is an adult and your daughter, and you have told her your opinion. She has chosen to ignore it, so, it is time for you to mend fences and realize that you are probably going to gain a son-in-law.

It is the time for you to detach your emotions from the situation. Treat everyone with politeness and warmth. Your relationship with your future grandchildren is at stake.

The "Dear Webs" is a mixed-race family. For us, crossing color lines has not been a big step. However, one of the things we have learned about crossing lines is that not everyone can do it.

I don’t think the main issue here is whether you should keep your relationship a secret from your parents. I do believe you should be honest about your relationships. 

Nevertheless, I also think that you need to evaluate how much you are willing to lose over this relationship. Is the alienation of your parents worth the relationship? Is it worth putting your family through this difficulty? For some people it is worth it, for others it is not. Your beloved will also need to evaluate and make these same choices. Many black families and communities are less than thrilled when their children marry outside their race

Family is important. You will want grandparents for your babies as well as the sense of place and belonging your own family provides. You are at an age where you are feeling distant from your family. This is normal for young adults, but over time, you will want to reconnect.

No parent is thrilled when he or she hears that a beloved child is planning to play house with a member of the opposite sex. Black, white, yellow or purple, no parent wants his or her child to be in an uncommitted relationship. I would never make this step in a family relationship without having a firm marriage commitment from your beloved. Ring and date kind of commitment. One does not blow up one’s family over "playing house."

I think you need to be honest with your family, but I think you also need to truthfully and honestly look at the world you are jumping into and the world you are leaving behind. 

Mixed race relationships require their own kind of work and have their own kind of baggage. Biracial children have a foot in both worlds and that can be both a positive and a negative. Those of us who live on the color line learn that life offers some additional options and closes other doors. There are places you will not be able to live; as well as people who won't associate with you. In some areas of the country mixed families are facts of life and in others they are a novelty, at best.

I am not trying to dissuade you from continuing your relationship with this young man. I am just trying to open this subject further. I am not a "love conquers all" kind of Dear Mrs. Web. Love is a good beginning, but commitment, values, family connections and friendships are what makes marriages work over the long haul.

All said, the world is changing very rapidly and interracial marriages are becoming much more common.  As a culture we have come a long way in the past 30 years.  On a more personal note, my family and marriage is the best and most precious thing that has ever happened to me – the whole mix of us – and I thank God every day for it.

I know it is probably of little comfort to you but according to Dear Mr. Web, all the other less hairy guys are jealous of you. Don’t shave, it will make matters much worse. If you are self-conscious, find a shirt you can wear around the pool and slip off quickly before going into the water. Don’t wear a necklace that would call attention to your chest.

Moreover, realize that many, many women are very, very attracted to men with a lot of body hair. To some women it is a sign of virility.

You are considering a lifelong commitment to a secretive, mentally ill man? One who you describe as having severe mood swings, perhaps manic-depression, and has a "split personality?"

What are you thinking of woman? What kind of life do you think this man will provide for you and your future children? I had a mentally ill family member. Mental illness is a severe disability and to become involved with a mentally ill person and hope that he will "get better" is like expecting an amputee to re-grow legs. It isn’t going to happen, and in my experience, severe mental illness often grows worse over time.

I understand you are lonely. Do not use loneliness to drive you to make poor choices that will effect the rest of your life. It is not fair to you, your family, or your future children.

This is a difficult subject to talk about for a number of reasons. I am going to try to address it because I am seeing more letters in my email box about the topic. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, it is a controversial and emotional topic. Nevertheless, here is my opinion.

First, studies show that currently in the United States over 90% of the parents use corporal punishment at least occasionally. 

• Those who occasionally swat a bottom to get their child’s attention or make a point;

• Those who have a well-thought-out disciplinary system which also includes physical punishment;

• Those who unthinkingly lash out physically;

• Those who beat and bludgeon helpless children, whether out of control or for their own sick twisted pleasure.

This encompasses a broad range of parent, motives, and behaviors. It is unproductive and unfair to group these different behaviors together. Parents who spank are not, for the greatest part, child abusers. Some people however, define any and all corporal punishment as abuse.

I have had a number of people tell me that no child should ever be hit, and that spanking a child is abusive. I no longer agree. In my opinion, there are many ways to abuse a child. The emotional abuse some children suffer with the unchecked and sharp tongues of their parents is large and pervasive. I am not talking about ignorant or dull parents who name-call, although they certainly guilty.

I am referring to the educated and intelligent parents who are verbally abusive and or emotional hostage-takers. Parents who wrestle control or beat their children’s souls and break their wills with crafty logical arguments, pervasive nagging, and cruel chastisements. Families where a child never measures up, or is always expected to perform flawlessly. These parents may not have laid a hand on the young one, but have caused huge pain and damage.

I have seen children who are not able to permit their hearts to really like anything, because their parents have overused consequences and revocation of privileges. They have spent too much time in parenting classes learning techniques, and not enough looking into their child’s eyes or at their spirits. Anything these children would hold dear would be held over their heads in exchange for compliance. Therefore, I am not an immediate admirer of parents who announce, "I never would hit my kids." There are many ways to "hit."

At this time, in our country, there is a great reluctance to discuss corporal punishment as a disciplinary tool. Many individuals are fearful of being labeled a "child abuser" or even losing their children to the whims of their state departments of welfare. Moreover, we have all heard of overzealous state welfare workers who have disrupted families based on erroneous information or personal prejudices.

It is unfortunate this discussion taboo is in place, given the large proportion of the parents who do use physical punishment. My opinion is that since many families do use physical punishment as part of their discipline choices, parents should learn how to use it effectively, kindly, with discernment, and appropriately. They need to learn not to react in anger. Parents need to learn how to discipline themselves when using physical consequences with their children.