Dear Mrs. Web

Dear Mrs Web frowns upon swapping spit with anyone but one’s spouse. In your shoes, I would say no thank you.

I don’t know why you are not getting pregnant, but it sounds as if you are busy supporting and caring for your invalid husband and yourself. It doesn’t sound like time to bring a baby home. 

I do know that stress is a factor in infertility. By the way, it is easy for people to encourage others to have a baby but that doesn’t help with the seemingly endless two o’clock feedings, the mountains of diapers and bone-weary exhaustion of a new mother.

It sounds like you need to get your husband back on his feet again so you can get into a financial place where you can stay home with your baby(ies). 

You also may need to get yourself into better health. Have you had a complete physical lately? You sound so tired that perhaps you need a work up. It wouldn’t hurt if you are due for one and you can discuss your childbearing options with your physician. 

As for smoking, fifteen years ago Dear Mrs Web quit a two-three pack a day habit. It is tough but it is the one single best thing I ever did for myself (besides Dear Mr. Web!). Keep in touch and let me know how your health improves.

You are involved again with a man you once knew intimately as a betrothed. I don’t know what ended your betrothal but now you are back together. He has, during the two years you have been apart, been intimately involved with many women. Now you are back together and he is hoping to marry you.

You are concerned. I would be too. You have now seen a portion of his character that is truly questionable. How does a man have consecutive, no strings sexual intimacies with other women and then pledge honor and fidelity to you? In our culture, we hear how men are able and capable pollinators who do not have or need emotional attachments in their sexual encounters. However, this does not address their behavior, emotional maturity, or attitudes about women. There is a disconnect here between emotions, sexuality and moral foundations.

I would want to put this issue on the table and find counsel with other people whose character and judgment you respect: your parents, your minister, priest, rabbi, or older couple. I will also recommend the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye because he talks about men and the character issues of pre-marital sexuality.

There is another issue here. Women can lose their reproductive capabilities when having sex with men who have had many partners. Silent sexually transmitted diseases can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and sterility. He should have complete venereal workup as well as HIV tests. 

Yes, I know he told you he was protected. Have it done anyway.

Your ex overstepped a boundary in calling your family. Unless relationships are very cordial among marrieds and their in-laws, I recommend that the spouses take care of the difficult things with their own bio families. 

In the case of a divorce, your former husband has no legal or moral claim with these people and this is your family. If he wants feedback he should talk to his own family or write Dear Mrs Web.

The best way to be left alone is to be distantly polite and uninvolved with the person who is causing you difficulty. Cordial waves from across the lawn and suddenly remembered things to do will suffice to eliminate most conversation. Keep remaining conversation about the weather, what a nice day it is, how busy everyone is and isn’t the foliage beautiful?

Your daughter is unhappy about your relationship with this man and is trying to make sure you all know it. Children don’t like change, particularly after having gone through the difficulties of divorce. She may not be planning this sabotage consciously, but she knows this man is a threat to life as she knows it.

There is also nothing as miserable at heart than a 13-year-old who is being upstaged by two cute primary-aged children! 

Her own mom’s attention is elsewhere, on this new man and his kids! She has no comfortable way of relating to a stranger-man, remember how painfully difficult it was to be around men when you were going through puberty? How painful for her! She lost her Dad as a daily family member and now she is losing pieces of her Mom, at a time she needs her most. Thirteen year-old girls are sometimes 13, sometimes 22, but are often needy 3 year olds in their behaviors and feelings.

Begin by spending a lot of time alone with your daughter, the kind of time and intimacy that you can use to have her start opening her heart to you about her feelings. I would let her talk about other things first, but over days or a few weeks of heart-opening talks, bring the subject around to your beau and his children and the future. Your pastor may be a resource for you.

I am assuming you both are planning to merge your families. Don’t ever put children through this kind of trauma without a commitment, a ring, and a date. This is major work for any child to process.

Perhaps your depression triggered something in him. Whatever it is, it sounds like the honeymoon is over and the real work of marriage begins. It is time for straightforward communication. If you can’t talk together then you need a third party, either a minister of your faith, or a marriage counselor with a good track record.

Marriages don’t disintegrate over this sort of thing. These are issues of life and style. Get help. By the way, you are married now and have a claim on each other’s assets. Your husband cannot order you to move out like a pasha dismissing a servant. You are his wife!

I have run into situations where a person has said this just to find out more information about someone’s personal life. The best way to handle rumors is to clearly deny them, with a surprised "Of course not…." I would be clear with her that the rumor is untrue and painful to you. Refuse to discuss the issue further.

Gossip is the playground of small minds.