Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

My boyfriend of 10 years and I split last autumn. He had cheated on me and lied about it. We had no contact for many months. Recently he has stopped in to visit to "see how I was doing."

He is still with the other woman but does not speak well of her. I know that I should not let him in but I do because I am still not over him. I am still attracted to him. We only talk when he visits, no sex. He stares at me continuously when he is here and always kisses me when he leaves.

Why is he visiting me now?

I think he is sniffing around because you are opening the door. Eventually, he will have you back in bed, for your boundaries about his presence in your life are very loose. He knows that he can cheat and lie and you will still let him in, and even kiss him.

You let your attraction blind you to reality. Now he is beginning to cheat on his present interest with you. Sounds like the same old guy to me. He can sense your vulnerability.

I wouldn’t let a bounder and a cad back into my life. I would cut it cold.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have really never been close to my brother. We really haven't spoken in many years, though I do send Christmas gifts and birthday gifts ( I think to keep my mom happy - my parents are divorced).

Anyway, my brother, his wife and two children are coming to visit this week, and I can't help but feel terribly uncomfortable. We are supposed to go out for dinner twice. Thankfully, I will have my other family with me, but I don't have a clue what to say to someone I hardly speak to, or know. My brother and I have never really gotten along.

Would you give me some pointers on how not to feel quite so uncomfortable? Thanks for your advice. I enjoy your column.

These people are connected strangers. They deserve to be treated with politeness, respectfulness, kindness and courtesy. I imagine they are just as nervous as you are.

Stay detached and ask about their lives. Listen to what they have to say. Avoid all arguments. Smile and nod. Look for the good and stay light and fun.

This is not forever, this is just dinner and a visit.

Dear Ms. Web,

I am 22 years old and live with my fiancée who is 24. We recently bought a new home together and have very much enjoyed our freedom out of the care of our parents. I have 3 sisters that have not always made the best choices when it comes to their futures.

I have a mother who is 44 and has a decent job. She has been in a
physically/mentally abusive marriage since I was 12. She has recently asked if she can come live with me. She wants to leave her current husband. She has left him at least a half-dozen time before. The extended family does not even talk to her anymore.

I am a very giving person, and was delighted to help her until she said that she wants to quit her job, and just be a "Mom" for awhile. Mother also clearly said that the 2 - 3 month time frame I suggested would not allow enough "Mom" time. She thinks we would really appreciate a long-term visit from her, and should consider it a blessing instead of a burden. She is also talking about her "future husband" and she hasn't yet divorced this one!

She doesn't arrive alone. I have an 8 year-old brother. I love them and wouldn't mind helping out. But this just doesn't seem right. I also am extremely afraid of what her abusive husband might do if he finds her at my house. This man has gone to jail a few times for beating her up.

I am my Mom's last hope. She said that if I don't help her, she feels as if she is being forced to stay with her husband. I want her to take care of herself, she is very capable of doing so. My closest friends have told me not to allow her to live with me, including my fiancée - but I get all mushy when she starts to cry and I give in. Do you think I should let her live with me? Am I just being selfish? I need help!

You are not being selfish. Your mother is a troubled woman who is using you to meet her dependent needs. This is all about her. She wants a long-term vacation at your expense at your house. I don't think so...

You are not your mother's last hope. You are her hostage. She is her own last hope. She can find her own place and live her own life. No one is forcing her to stay with her abusive husband, she is choosing to stay there and waiting to be rescued.

Walk away from this situation and wish her well. Keep your boundaries firm, you will need them in order to have a healthy marriage. Face it! You don’t need anymore of your awful childhood in the middle of your marriage, and you are getting married soon, Dear... aren't you??

July 31, 2002

Public Sex,

Marrying Within the Family,

and

Dry Wells

Dear Mrs. Web,

My mother knows that I am sleeping with my boyfriend. She has told us that we cannot have sex at our house. We can't go to his house either because his grandmother won't let a girl up into his bedroom. This leaves public places as the only choice, which my mother says is fine with her.

I am however, worried about getting caught. I am aware that it is against the law, but this is the only chance we get. What would happen if we were caught by or reported to the police? Could we be charged with indecent behavior at such young ages (15 and 16)?

I have no idea what the law would do to two children who are caught ... well, ahem...caught. In Dear Mrs. Web's day you both would have been shipped off to bleak training schools to wear ghastly uniforms, eat saltpeter, and learn a useful trade.

Dear Mrs. Web has always believed that one has sex only when one has a ring, a marriage certificate and of course, the means to pay for a bedroom.

If your mother is advocating that you, her young daughter, have sex in the bushes, you have many more problems than finding a place to rut.

It sounds like you have not been taught about what sex really means and the commitments and responsibilities that go along with it. Your have not learned to respect your body and to treasure and protect it. You have not learned about how committed love turns sex into lovemaking and allows you to truly bond with your beloved. How sad! Dear Mrs. Web would certainly discuss these matters with your mother, in depth, in detail and vigorously.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am involved with my sister's ex-husband. We are in love and have bought a house together. How can our relationship be accepted by our families? I am worried about hurting my sister's feelings. We found out that it is legal to marry each other here. He has asked and I want to. I guess what I've been looking for is someone's blessing.

My sister left the marriage and I cannot help that things worked out this way. Is there any way I can overcome our family issues?

I don’t think there is a way around your sister’s feelings. I cannot imagine how you could make this better with your sister. Some do say that time heals all wounds. Dear Mrs Web is doubtful that this one will fix.

There are just some places you just don't go. Marrying the former spouses of family members is a place to avoid at all costs. That is too big and shatters family safety and loyalty. Those things are important, even for the family members who are messing up their lives. It is not prudent, normal, or wise to place this in the middle of your family.

Essentially, what you say here is that you want what you want. There is nothing more that I can add.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My 55 year old sister has stopped speaking to my mother and me for almost 3 years now. She was a high-powered MBA who developed an immune-deficiency diseases. She no longer works

She has always been difficult and we were never close. I sent her husband flowers once after he had surgery. Since she was not speaking to me at the time, my mother told me about the surgery. My sister totally freaked out and said I was trying to show her up.

I have tried to convey my love and caring to my sister. My sister accused me of causing all her problems in life. Throughout our lives I have had little contact with her except at holidays. She was successful, talented, intelligent, and popular, went to a fantastic college....

I have a contented and smaller life with 4 sons and a sweet husband. I was a teacher and I loved my work. I have never been affluent or extremely popular. How can I have ever affected her life? I never have asked her for anything. She, on the other hand, was always mean to me even as a child. We know she was seeing a psychologist and told us the psychologist told her to break ties with us.

She stopped speaking to our recently widowed 80 year old mother right after she lost her husband. My mother is old and want to have a decent relationship with my sister. She has sent my sister cards and gifts and they have been all returned, not accepted. My mother is a wonderful, caring woman. For my mother's sake I would like my sister to connect with us. Any suggestions?

Why are you trying to tie strings with this emotionally toxic woman? She is a dry well and you sit there demanding water.

Yes, yes, I know, for your mother's sake.

If your mother hasn’t figured out that she has a toxic and unavailable daughter - she is just not seeing reality - as sad as the truth is for her. I am not trying to minimize your mother's heartbreak over her angry and blaming daughter. Instead, I am trying to break through her (and your) unrealistic expectations.

How to Hug a Porcupine is a book that teaches people to detach from the toxic people in their lives. It is on my website bookshelf. Read it and live a better life. A life that sees reality and does not demand the impossible.

July 30, 2002

Dear Mrs. Web had a request to re-run this opinion column. She hopes you enjoy it.

The Wise Spouse

The wise spouse doesn’t take anything for granted. The spouse is thankful to be loved and seeks ways to make him/her self more loving.

The wise spouse doesn’t permit him/herself to be a liability but strives to be an asset to the marriage. The spouse looks for ways to make, save, and use money wisely. The spouse’s beloved knows that he/she is richer by the marriage.

The wise spouse seeks to be part of the beloved’s life. One’s interest becomes the other’s interest. The wise spouse looks for ways to help the beloved in every endeavor. When the beloved needs a helping hand, the first one should be the hand of the wise spouse.

The wise spouse knows that he/she can give or withhold peace of mind for the beloved through conversation and observations concerning circumstances or people. The wise spouse limits conversation to the positive.

A wise spouse does not fill his/her mind with pornography or romance novels. Excitement and passion is reserved for the beloved.

The wise spouse sets a joyful mood in the home. Using laughter, music, and happy times the wise spouse stirs the beloved and the children to joy. The wise spouse knows that lightheartedness and grace reduces stress.

The wise spouse gauges the beloved’s needs, fulfilling desires before he/she is even aware of them. The wise spouse meets every desire.

The wise spouse does not lie, but is gracious.

The wise spouse does not ever abuse the beloved, physically, emotionally, or sexually.

The wise spouse understands that the beloved needs to be honored and respected not based on the beloved’s performance, but instead on the beloved’s position. The wise spouse embraces with enthusiasm the beloved’s ideas and plans.

The wise spouse is not whiny, complaining, pitiful, or entitled. Instead, the wise spouse seeks to be confident, capable, graceful, and thankful.

The wise spouse does not fantasize about the "roads not taken." The wise spouse realizes that he/she is not God’s gift to the opposite sex. The wise spouse realizes that he/she is blessed by the marriage and learns to be content.

The wise spouse does not use mood-altering substances, become addicted, alcoholic or a user of illegal drugs. A wise spouse keeps his/her body fit.

The wise spouse never expects to be served, thus is never disappointed. The wise spouse is a giver, a helper; and is an example to the children of cheerful and energetic service to others.

The wise spouse doesn’t attempt to instruct the beloved through feigned questions. Questions should be sincere inquiries, not traps.

The wise spouse is eager to learn, is open to change, and ready to listen. A wise spouse does not cloud his/her mind with foolish folly of common entertainment. The wise spouse uses his/her time wisely for the beloved and the family.

The wise spouse realizes that the best gift he/she could give to the children is to love the beloved wholeheartedly.

Adapted By Dear Mrs Web www.dearmrsweb.com from

Debi Pearl’s

A Wise Woman Builds Her House

No Greater Joy

July 29, 2002

When Should We Marry?

PMS, and Prayer

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am in a happy relationship with a kind, supportive, positive and mature man. We are in our late 20's. We will probably become engaged at Christmas. That would mean we will have only dated for 10-11 months before our engagement. Is it too soon?

We are both very comfortable with the idea of marrying each other, but a friend said we should date for at least 2 years or we won't have enough time to really get to know each other. Neither of us have ever been in a serious relationship, so we really don't know if we're rushing into things.

I think between 18 months and 2 years is a good span of time between the first meeting and the wedding day. Make sure you know each other and are familiar and comfortable with each other’s families and friends. Remember to read my Issues to Explore with Your Beloved at my website.

Dear Mrs. Web,

What is statutory rape?

Statutory Rape is when a consenting adult has sex with a consenting minor.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a 32 year old female, who is experiencing PMS. I am trying to find ways to help me deal with the major mood swings. During these times, I become very emotional (crying and needy), and I feel like everything I do is a waste of my time. I also become very self-critical and very irritable.

My moods have had a very negative impact on my relationships. I want to find ways to help me through PMS and even avoid it, if possible. I want to know what other women do to get through the week. I do exercise, take my vitamins, and calcium supplements, but this still has not helped. I just don't know what else to do other then to hibernate for almost 2 weeks out of every month.

Dear Mrs. Web, of course, has never had a moody moment in her life. She is always sweet and pleasant, often fun to be with, and forever understanding. Ah! The comforts of the cyber-space Personal Advice Columnist!

Some women have found relief on low doses of hormone therapy. Sometimes low doses of anti-depressants help. Some women I know have used herbal, vitamins or homeopathic treatments with results. Others swear by diet therapy.

In your shoes, I would begin by talking to a gynecologist with a specialty in PMS. Ask around and find one with good recommendations.

Dear Mrs. Web,

Sometimes feel like I can actually talk to God. When I do the wind blows and I try real hard to listen but I can't hear anything. Do you think that if I want to talk to Him should I go somewhere or do something specific like pray or do a séance or something? What should I do? Please help me out.

Many people talk to God. It is called prayer. They pour their hearts and thoughts out to God and find it immensely helpful. They find that faith and trust in God gives them a rock to stand on when things get tough.

In Dear Mrs. Web's opinion, God rarely speaks to us directly, but instead uses His hands on earth - other people - to open and close the doors to our future and show us His will for our lives.

Dear Mrs Web learned long ago not to mess with the occult.

The best thing that you could do for yourself since you feel God’s tugging, (or else you would not have written this letter) is find a passionate and praying church. Men and women come to churches all the time needing someone to help them learn how to pray. Find a church you like and ask for help. There will be retreats, and all sorts of activities to help you pray and discern God’s words for you.

It really works. I was humbled and amazed.

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