Personal Advice Column

Thank you for taking the time to read my column. I appreciate your thoughtful comments. I do not think that my advice would require you to be a 31 year old virgin without an emotionally significant relationship. If you reserved emotional and physical intimacy for a life-long commitment, you most likely would make different choices in your life. Marriage might take a higher and earlier priority.

I agree that the average age of marriage has increased, I think that one significant reason for this increase is that instead of life-long committed marriage, young adults often have serial monogamous pseudo-marriages. I have seen many twenty and thirty year old people reeling from the breakups of these "marriages without strings." They are actually a kind of divorce. In my opinion, playing house is a path to guarded emotions, inability to trust or commit, and training grounds for divorce.

You find that sexual intercourse boosts your self-esteem and helps you feel good about yourself. This is sex, although with a partner, that is all about you. It sounds isolated and lonely. 

Is it bad?  I think it would be more helpful to evaluate it differently.  Does it protect or enhance your emotions and ability love and commit, now and in the future?  Or are you meeting a short-term need at a greater cost than perhaps, you realize.  

In a committed relationship there are additional reasons to have sex: To make love, to feel totally accepted, safe and secure. To drop your pretenses and emotional boundaries to be with one who loves you endlessly, to make the one you love happy, to revel in your mutual oneness, to explore the body of your beloved, to conceive and nurture children, to bond after a time apart, whether by argument or distance…the list is endless and the difference, profound.

Send them! Absolutely. I know my husband has been delighted when I have sent him flowers when he is on business trips. Men need to be romanced too!

I have never been a fan of men (or women) who don’t end their ongoing relationships, but instead, cheat. There is, in my opinion, something lacking in their characters. My gut reaction is "walk away now." I think you already know this.

You need to decide what your values and interests are and go to places that have the kinds of people who share them. I recommend volunteer organizations, churches, hobbies, and classes as places to meet people. Find organizations or political groups, which reflect your philosophy and beliefs.

It is best to get to know a woman when you both are involved together with a common goal. Relationships become dramatically easier when you unload the man/woman angst (as much as possible) and reach beyond it. You also will get a better flavor of her personality than mere dating provides.

When dating, be creative. Go biking, hiking, picnicking, or skiing, for example. Look at my Things to Do for Couples. for more ideas.

Yes, I do think it was a mistake to sleep with him. It sounds like you may not have control yourself when you drink. That is information you should use. If you lose your boundaries when drinking – stop.

I would talk to this young man. Explain that you stepped all over your beliefs and values. You behaved out of character. He needs to know that. You both need to make some decision the relationship. It is hard to backtrack out of sex. You may not be able to.

You need to set up some rules and develop some skills if you decide to keep dating. I would take some time and make some decisions about how you want to behave and in what kind of relationships. Personally, I think a sexual and emotional relationship without marriage is a heartbreaking situation. No commitment at the cost of ones heart and emotions. Look on my Bookshelf for some different, more modern ideas about dating and courtship.

Talking and dating are when people are shopping around. Your male friend and your girlfriend have been shopping together. I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about it. There is no commitment going on here. You didn’t have much if he couldn’t manage a day without you and had to talk to some one different.

I think you have a friend who likes someone you like. Moreover, he likes her too. Gracefully bowing out is always an option. There are a lot of fish in the sea.

You chose to have a tacky night with an annoying person who has been plaguing you with "dirty phone calls?" You didn’t enjoy it. You say you didn’t want it. Then you complain about his performance! It doesn’t add up.

You breached that "wonderful, trusting relationship" with your own beloved, and you left a packet of condoms in this creep’s girlfriend’s drawers to stir things up. Now you wonder whether you should end your friendship with this man?

Dear, you don’t have friendship with him. You were his depository. You took the bait and were used - behind the backs of both love-interests. Sounds tawdry to me.

The amazing thing about this whole letter is how little responsibility you take for what happened. He did this. He did that. On top of it he wasn’t very good…where on earth is your brain, woman?

To answer your original question, yes, I would end the relationship, such as it is.

I don’t know whether you should date him or not. I think you will have to decide your comfort level. I would not actively encourage anyone to become emotionally entangled with someone, whose religion, race, ethnicity, or beliefs would rule out marriage. This is, in my opinion, just asking for pain and hurt for both. This is because I don’t consider dating a recreational activity.

On the other hand, I live in an African-American and Caucasian family and don’t see any problems with interracial dating and marriage. If you decide to date the man, I would treat it like any other date. If neither of you have had any experience with interracial dating; you might feel a bit awkward at first. When I am with people who are different than me, I always assume good will and good intent and overlook awkwardness, or ignorance.

I don’t think there is any subject in particular you shouldn’t talk about. Get to know this person as a human being not as a member of a race or group. Share bits of your life, talk about your family, and work…. If you decide to accept, have a wonderful time.

By the way, it never would have occurred to me that you could be offended by being asked out by someone of a different race. What’s to offend?

It sounds like he calls when he has a free moment. He is touching base during the day, just connecting. I know women who would walk miles - barefoot - over sharp glass, for that sort of attention.

The best way to find out how he want you to respond is to ask him the next time you are together. My husband does a variation of this; he wanders in from his office to my office, just to say hello. Not because he wants anything in particular, but just because he loves me, and we are connected. Or he’s bored.

The only thing that hangs in balance here is whether you want to be a man of integrity and character - or just a moral zero. The fact that you bothered to write tells me that you really want to make the best choice, for yourself and others.  Remember, life is not a free-for-all.  When we use someone, we hurt ourselves.

I am think you are in a tough spot. You want this man to fit your hopes and dreams. You are even willing to put aside your core self (spiritual beliefs and family values!!) to accommodate him. This concerns me.

You said being married is important for you.   You must honor this need by being honest with your beloved. It is time to sit down and, lovingly but clearly explain this to him. If I were in you position, I would stop playing house.

Don't worry, unless your beloved is a spineless wonder, you will not be forcing him into anything he doesn’t want. I can’t guarantee you won’t lose him. Taking a stand on your needs and beliefs requires risk.  But some things are worth it, like personal integrity.

Yes, you are way out of line. We normally don’t follow people for peace of mind. We usually have internal resources to rely on when feeling insecure, to help us remain calm and think of appropriate responses. You seem to be missing or unable to use your internal resources.

Your girlfriend most likely ended the relationship because these behaviors indicate insecurities and controlling actions way beyond what is healthy in a relationship. She is wise. 

In your shoes, I would make an appointment with a therapist, or clergy. Your insecurities, and your ways of responding to them to it are making a significant negative impact in your life: you lost your relationship. 

You need to find, with help, a better way of coping with your feelings.

Just reach over and take her hand gently. Keep those public displays of affection to a minimum. Remember, the more physical contact you have with your girlfriend, the more you are going to want. That’s the way we are wired.

You are running smack into the biggest problem of intimacy without commitment. You have opened your heart to someone, you have built a history with her, but now your feelings are changing despite your continued love.

Feelings change and flux, it is normal. Commitment doesn’t. Commitment is the glue that holds couples together when the feelings jump around and follow the pretty girl walking down the street, or the handsome guy who charms. Feelings are momentary, and change over time. They are not the foundation of lasting love.

This is why Dear Mrs. Web does not encourage emotional or physical intimacy without life-long commitment.

In your shoes, I would look at the love, history, and meaning of your beloved in your life. I would then decide whether to commit to my beloved permanently.

Let’s see if I understand you. You have been dating a man for a year. Your divorces were final six months ago. Therefore, while still legally married you both were dating each other. Now that you are legally divorced, you want to become engaged or even married.

At this point, your beloved is concerned about how things look. It seems a bit late to me.

Make an appointment for the both of you, with the church pastor and ask for his opinion. He will be able to give you a better perspective about divorce and remarriage within the local church as well as the denomination.

You are supposed to be involved, they’re your children. I object to the idea that emotional involvement precludes clear thinking. I am passionately involved with my family and make choices and decision that are the best for my children because of my great love for them. Those who are not invested would not make the choices and sacrifices I do.

I am going to say something you are not going to like to hear. This man is not good for your family. He may be good for you, but you are not alone. Given the ages of your children, you will not be alone for a good long time.  This is the time for you to evaluate him to see how he fits in to in your whole life, not just the couple’s part.  I am sorry to say he flunks.

He does not have the empathy or compassion to be involved in a relationship with a woman with children. Children require lots of work, and, as you know, can be inconvenient, upsetting, frustrating, unpleasant and at times, difficult. It takes a person with a heart commitment to weather this. Your children deserve better than to be ignored or casually treated in the intimacy of their home.

If your family and your boyfriend want to work on this issue, I would recommend and family counseling. However, not unless there is a commitment to marriage. Otherwise, It wouldn’t be fair for the children.

The problem here is that being "together" for the two of you is an either/or situation. We are either together or we have friends. There is no balance. Your girlfriend has started to feel the relationship’s exclusivity as too heavy a burden to bear despite her love for you.

You might get her back to the old ways for the short term, but it won’t work forever. Love is having someone in the center of your heart, but not necessarily in the center of your attention at all times.

One can be involved (or married!) and still have friends and interests outside the couple. Women have and need a circle of supportive women friends. Many men do too. You cannot expect her to be the focus of your attentions indefinitely and vice versa. That does not mean there is no love. It means a person functions in the world from a base of love.

Something else I see relating to this issue is that many couples have the intensity, depth, and intimacy of a married couple, without the commitment of marriage. So they feel intense emotions but have no platform to build on. Instead of having the comfort of standing on the solid ground of love and commitment and reach out into the world, they have to put all these outside strictures and checks around the relationship to guard their hearts.