Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

I fell in love with my girlfriend in the eighth grade. Her family moved away but we stayed in contact and saw each other at holidays. After high school we drifted apart for two years. When we finally reconnected we were both engaged to others but we both immediately broke our engagements to restart a relationship together.

We began arranging our lives so we could be together. All this time apart we talked on the telephone at least once a day, planning to be with each other. I had finished college and had begun working my way up at a good firm. She received her associate’s degree in engineering and was accepted to an engineering school nearby.

At last, we could be together for longer than a weekend every 6 months! When she moved up, the first month it was great – everything we had both hoped. As soon as her classes started, we began having problems.

I understand that engineering school would be challenging, especially this program which is considered one of the most elite in the country. However, I feel I just don’t count in her life anymore. She has acquired new friends, works really hard, and ignores me, or just drags me along.

When I confronted her about how left out and disconnected I feel she said that I didn’t really know her and that we couldn’t be together now because it was too stressful for her, along with school.

We broke up, sort of. We still talk about twice a month, but now there is tension between us. Last time I saw her, I told her that I couldn't see her or talk to her any more because it hurt too much. She broke down, cried and told me that she wanted me in her life, that she loved me, and that she never meant to hurt me. I love her so much, that life is unbearable without her in it.

I'm confused and frustrated because I have started establishing my professional life and she's just beginning hers. I keep thinking that if I hold on until she graduates in a few years that everything will be great and then we can go about our lives, but at the same time I've been promoted twice and if there is another one, I'll be out of state. I'm exactly where I want to be in life, the only problem is I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with but, she is "unavailable."

It sounds like you want more than she can give. She is under an extreme amount of stress and doesn’t have much left over.

You have two choices. Break up or commit to each other fully. Commitment also recognizes that members have times in their lives where one gives and the other receives. Commitment means it is no longer my career and your career, but our careers our plans, our future.

Do you love her enough to marry her, give up a promotion until she is out of school, and be Mr. Engineering Student for a while? After graduation, will she be able to follow you in your promotion? Do you both have the ability to help fulfill each other’s needs and backburner your own wants when necessary for your marriage commitment? Visit my Topics to Discuss Before Marriage at to explore this issue more fully.

If you decide wedding bells, send me an invitation for my collection!!

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am currently in a situation that many women may find themselves in at one time or another. I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 21. We began living together in college, when my mother was in a sense 'footing part of the bill' for my living expenses. I found a wonderful and great paying job soon after he moved in. I eventually had to tell my mother that he was living with me and she was very upset. The rest of my family ostracized me, too.

My mother almost took my car away; it was in her name. She demanded my car keys, and her house keys. She ended up letting me keep the car. She said I had dishonored, and disgraced her and the whole family again sided with her.

My boyfriend and I are planning to marry soon. My mother dislikes him. She won’t be a Christian about it and forget the past. I know I'm not perfect and she may not agree with my life choices, However, I feel like she is my mother and should love me anyway, as I love her. My boyfriend’s family treats me much better than my own family.

Right now, she thinks he has moved out and he is upset that I am 'hiding' him from her. The family still treats me as if I was 12 years old. How do I repair my relationship with my family, especially my mother? I am afraid our past and current problems will carry over into our marriage.

You are absolutely right, your past and current behaviors will affect you relationship with your family now and for years to come. A marriage to this man would be difficult for the family to accept. You are in the the difficult place of having broken your family norms. It is sad to have your life and future family compromised in this way.

You broke your family’s rules, their moral and ethical beliefs. You lied about living with your boyfriend, and are still lying about it. You complain because your mother almost took her car back. Now you whine for Christian charity, unlimited love, and unconditional acceptance.

Dear Mrs Web thinks it is time you grew up. Part of growing up is realizing when you step out of your family’s values and beliefs, you will be held apart. People hold such standards as a way of measuring behaviors and in order to live in accordance with their beliefs and worldviews.

If you choose to break those boundaries, you have no right to stand outside of them whining for unconditional acceptance. You are not the "center of the universe, " requiring everyone to change to accept your values. Being an adult you make your choices and you live with the consequences.

You mother has told you her values. You want something you cannot get from her, acceptance of your life, which she considers immoral. Think of something that you might consider immoral, for example: using cute puppies for target practice. Would you like to be told you needed to accept this immorality because a family member participated regularly in it?

I think what bothers me most about your letter is that you are still lying about playing house with your boyfriend. It shows a weakness of character and selfishness. You want it both ways. You could, if you wanted to discard your family for his, but I can assure you that an in-law is just an in-law.

In your shoes, I would get my boyfriend out of the apartment or face your family honestly about it. you have your boundaries and values, and they are different from your mother's. Reach out and tell your mother how sad you were that your choices hurt her.

It allows you to continue to be the woman you choose to be but also acknowledges the chasm you have jumped. It would be a way to mend at least a part of the relationship.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My boyfriend has his own business and is working hard. He has little free time these days and we don’t get a chance to enjoy some of our usual activities. Recently, I handled my disappointment poorly. We ended up in an argument.

He asked if I missed him and I said: "No, but I need to start having more fun." He did agree with me but I am sure I hurt his feelings. I said this because I was disappointed because I felt that if he really wanted to be with me, he would have made the time. I had not seen him for almost a week.

Please help to handle this.

Why don’t you tell him that you overreacted because you were feeling disappointed because you were not seeing him, it had been a long time, and how important he is in your life. Talk together about how you both can balance work and play so you both get what you need and want.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I was coming out of the mall with my girlfriend over the weekend. When we got to my car, there was a note on the windshield. My first thought was that someone had hit the car and was leaving behind drivers license information.

Instead, it was a note leaving behind a name and a telephone number. It said that if I was interested in sexual release (although not in those exact words), I should call. I thought it was the work of someone playing a random, practical joke. Or, it could have been an enterprising, businesswoman, looking for work. On the other hand, it could have been one of my dumber "friends" trying to be funny.

My greatest concern was that my girlfriend might think there was something to this note or suspect me of this sort of behavior, or being involved with another girl. This bothers me. What do you think?

I think if it was a joke it was a poor one. If it was a business offer, it was not effective. It may have been embarrassing for you or your girlfriend. Life throws us the unexpected. We deal with it. We communicate to keep the lines clear.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am divorced mother of 4 beautiful children 5 to 14 years old. I had a three-year relationship with a divorced man with 4 children of his own but he backed off because he was overwhelmed with the thought of 8 children and the responsibility of raising them all. The breakup hurt a lot, but, I have bounced back.

Recently, I met a nice man, divorced, no children. We had a few dates and things were going well - until I mentioned my four children. He backed away from our relationship and placed me in the good friend category. I realize it is going to be difficult to find a man who wants to be a father to 4 children, but I am only 34 and I want someone special in my life.

Should I give up on the idea of having a man in my life at this time and wait until I'm 40 when the kids are older, or should I continue to look? I've heard that there is someone special for everyone, but I'm beginning to believe that is a fairy story.

There are few men or women who want to take on other people’s children, especially four of them. They are out there but they are rare birds. I think you are correct that the issue will hinder some relationships. Women with children are at a disadvantage in the dating/marriage market.

At the same time, big-hearted men and women take on big responsibilities in stepparent roles every day. People who do it well and give it their best. People who go the extra step in commitment. Stepfathers who are delighted in a ready-made family. In my life, the men I have seen willing to readily take on multiple children have been men from large families, and widowers with children of their own. Not that I am suggesting that you scan the obituaries for possible husbands. It is just an observation.

You are a young woman with many responsibilities. I have four children about your children's ages. It is exhausting work to rise them well. Without a husband it would be lonely and at times isolating. I can understand your wish for a mate.

In your shoes, I would leave my heart open to the possibility of a husband. I would make sure my children are protected from any dating or relationships I have. Keep the men you do see out of their lives. Remember, they come first with any choices you make. Children should not be subjected to a parent's love-interest; they don’t have the understanding and filters to manage it.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I met a guy in December and we immediately hit it off. We both go to college and work. We never did much together except hang out.

Three months into the relationship he took me to the Caribbean on spring break. Everything in our relationship was perfect and the vacation was perfect too. It gave us time to do things together.

A few days after we returned he broke up with me. He said had had initial doubts about our relationship, which diminished over time. They returned after our trip. We have not seen each other in over two months. I think he has these doubts because he got scared in the relationship. I am so confused. I want to know if there is a way to make him open up and work this out.

I think the young man has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be involved anymore. You have apparently concocted an entire fantasy that he is somehow afraid of the relationship with you. I see no evidence of this.

In some circles, one would say you had the honeymoon without the wedding. I think he tried out your relationship and changed his mind. I am sorry. It is difficult to physically and emotionally open yourself to someone and have him walk away. It hurts.

Try the Dear Mrs. Web Bookshelf for books about dating and courtship. A deeper look at the choices made in a relationship and their long-term consequences might help you here.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My boyfriend has a friend who doesn’t like me. He consumes a lot of my boyfriend’s time and whenever he has a party or event, I am not included in the invitation. He recently had a fundraiser and did not include me. My boyfriend went alone, and although he didn’t lie to me about going, he didn’t tell the whole truth either.

I think he didn't tell me about the fundraiser because he knew it would cause an argument. I told him that it hurts me more when he lies to me, than the fact that I am not invited. What should I do?

I think you did just fine. Your boyfriend sounds like he stuck between that rock and hard place we hear so much about. Eventually, if your relationship becomes committed through betrothal or marriage, he will need to make a decision about your boundaries as a couple around this man. Remember, in marriage the beloved comes first.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am trying to figure out how to trust again or even if it is worth the trouble. I am 37 years old, single again for the past 2 years after 11 years of a relationship and marriage.

We never fought, but did have our problems, like everyone does. Unexpectedly she slapped me with a divorce. My life was shattered.

Now, two years later I still have major trust issues. My ex-wife, on the other hand, found someone else, and has even left him for a third man!

I don't know how to move on, I am out of love with her, but I'm not sure if I am capable of love again. Any advice?

Trusting someone is a choice. Anger, bitterness, and grief, all cloud the choice we have to move on and have a life that is open to relationship, love, and commitment.

One of the best ways I have found for opening the paths to my heart is to spend time looking at what happened in my past relationship, and discover my responsibility for its failure. Then I am able to clearly map out the ways I can avoid such pitfalls in the future. For example, perhaps you both would have been more successful with a few good arguments to clear the air. In this instance, looking at your current communication skills, your comfort with anger etc… may be valuable for you.

Once I was able to own up my responsibility and learn and choose different behaviors I no longer looked at my self as someone who could not trust because I was an active participant in relationships and my future. I could choose to trust because I knew that I was more knowledgeable…. Is it foolproof? No. Frankly, sir, life is a series of risks.

Remember, we put ourselves in our own boxes sometimes.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am recently separated from my husband. We are still very good friends- just not compatible. During the marriage and after the separation, I had an online relationship with an former colleague of mine who I have known for about 3 years. We flirted quite a bit and it escalated to an affair (we got together only after I separated from my husband).

He is 6 years younger than me, and has a live-in girlfriend. I don't know anything about their relationship other than she has wanted to marry him. He is uncertain about his commitment to her..

We were involved for 2 months. After much anguish, I ended the relationship. The sneaking around, combined with the guilt, and his reluctance to end his other relationship caused me a lot of pain. I told him that if he were free, we could restart our relationship. Am I doing the right thing, I thought he cared for me?

Yes, I think you did the right thing by ending your affair with this man. I am sure you are hurt, but time will heal you pain. Dear Mrs Web has huge reservations about men or women who cheat on their beloved. It shows poor character, and a profound disrespect for the beloved.

No wonder you ended your marriage with your good friend and husband, you did not keep your heart safely in the marriage, but instead it was flirting with this bounder!!

Dear Mrs. Web,

I always enjoy helping people. However, I am beginning to think I overextend myself with my boyfriend. I do an awful lot for him and really don't get a whole lot in return. He tells me about different things he wants and plans to do for me, but they never seems to happen.

This past weekend, he had a busy schedule and then was going to a fund-raiser for an old friend, about two hours away. Because I was getting out of work early that day, I agreed to let his dog out at lunchtime.

I knew he was going to call me to drive the 25 minutes to his house that evening to let his dog out again so I intentionally missed three of his calls. I returned his call later in the evening leaving a pleasant voice mail for him on his cell phone.

He called me the next morning and said he tried to reach me to let his dog out so he could be out longer with his friends. He also asked me whether I would watch his dog for three days while he is out of town. I said I wasn’t sure; I had to think about it. He was surprised I said this, but you know, it felt good! Should I feel guilty?

I can’t imagine what you think you might be doing wrong. Everyone should have boundaries. Relationships are like tennis, you hit the ball, and your opponent hits it back. There should equal generosity in relationships.

When you lose your boundaries, you get forgotten, put-upon, and used. Even well meaning people tend to push boundaries as far as possible.

When someone overlooks their responsibilities in a relationship or disregards them with a "I planned to it for you," it is time to reevaluate. There are plenty of boarding kennels for Ol' Bowser. I think it is time to pull back and see whether he is committed to you or the convenience of you.

Dear Mrs. Web,

What is your opinion on a married couple who have young children taking a shower alone together?

What is your opinion of a couple who is engaged and has young children from previous marriages taking a shower alone together?

I think married couples who have young children should be able to enjoy a shower together if they are discreet.

If you have spent any time visiting Dear Mrs Web, you will realize that she does not approve of premarital co-ed showering. After the wedding however…

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a 21-year-old college student who will be graduating in one year. I am white and I have a terrific boyfriend who would do anything for me. He is black.

The problem is that my parents would disown me if they found out about him. We will be graduating college together this month and plan on moving west together. My parents have no idea I even have a boyfriend and my friends think I should tell them. I know that telling them it will completely destroy my relationship with my father and that my mother will be forced to side with him.

Do you think I should continue living a lie and just move west supposedly by myself and keep my family relationship intact. My relationship to my family isn’t the best anyway. However, I will be living with them this summer. Instead should I be truthful and face the consequences. Help.

The "Dear Webs" is a mixed-race family. For us, crossing color lines has not been a big step. However, one of the things we have learned about crossing lines is that not everyone can do it.

I don’t think the main issue here is whether you should keep your relationship a secret from your parents. I do believe you should be honest about your relationships.

Nevertheless, I also think that you need to evaluate how much you are willing to lose over this relationship. Is the alienation of your parents worth the relationship? Is it worth putting your family through this difficulty? For some people it is worth it, for others it is not. Your beloved will also need to evaluate and make these same choices. Many black families and communities are less than thrilled when their children marry outside their race

Family is important. You will want grandparents for your babies as well as the sense of place and belonging your own family provides. You are at an age where you are feeling distant from your family. This is normal for young adults, but over time, you will want to reconnect.

No parent is thrilled when he or she hears that a beloved child is planning to play house with a member of the opposite sex. Black, white, yellow or purple, no parent wants his or her child to be in an uncommitted relationship. I would never make this step in a family relationship without having a firm marriage commitment from your beloved. Ring and date kind of commitment. One does not blow up one’s family over "playing house."

I think you need to be honest with your family, but I think you also need to truthfully and honestly look at the world you are jumping into and the world you are leaving behind.

Mixed race relationships require their own kind of work and have their own kind of baggage. Biracial children have a foot in both worlds and that can be both a positive and a negative. Those of us who live on the color line learn that life offers some additional options and closes other doors. There are places you will not be able to live; as well as people who won't associate with you. In some areas of the country mixed families are facts of life and in others they are a novelty, at best.

I am not trying to dissuade you from continuing your relationship with this young man. I am just trying to open this subject further. I am not a "love conquers all" kind of Dear Mrs. Web. Love is a good beginning, but commitment, values, family connections and friendships are what makes marriages work over the long haul.

All said, the world is changing very rapidly and interracial marriages are becoming much more common. As a culture we have come a long way in the past 30 years. On a more personal note, my family and marriage is the best and most precious thing that has ever happened to me – the whole mix of us – and I thank God every day for it.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. She has just told me she wants to date someone else and that she has been unhappy about our relationship some time.

We do have our problems and things weren’t going that well but I am in shock. I thought things would work out. I want to be happy with her again. How can I get her to come back to me? I am shipping out soon. Help!

I understand your concern and pain. Three years is a long time. I don’t know whether you can restart your relationship with your girlfriend. I would ask her whether she would meet with you for dinner and talk it over. Tell her that three years is a long time to toss aside.

I will be frank, it sounds like her heart is in another place and usually when a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship breaks up like this it is rare for them to re-establish. There is no true commitment in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, no matter what privately agreement for fidelity or commitment that your both may have developed.

This is the major difference between marriage and non-marital relationships. Marriage commitment is held together with the commitment of the two people and the commitment of the community, law, children, family, and friends. It is more than I love you and want to be with you forever, because that part disappears in normal relationships and sometimes it is only the outside forces that continue to hold the marriage commitment in place during the tough patches that all relationships endure.

Therefore, my short answer is you can reach out to her, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work. Instead, you might consider taking care of yourself and learn from a relationship better ways of providing the commitment you want. I advise courtship as a way of stepping towards commitment. I think it offers a better alternative to the consecutive, emotionally destructive heart and body relationships that some people almost take for granted today.

Dear Mrs. Web,

Six weeks ago I found the address of a woman I last saw in 10th grade. We are now in our 50’s. We grew up in the same neighborhood, and spent 10 years in school together. She is single now and we have reestablished our friendship by email. We have been exchanging information and chatting by email for a couple of months.

Recently we were able to do some heavy schedule-bending and meet. We both were visiting relatives that were close by each other. We had a fun casual restaurant dinner with her son and my brother’s children.

It was as if we picked up our conversation from 40 years ago! We have much in common. She told me in one of her first letters that she had faced some problems with her former husband, and was involved in raising her teenaged son. She has since told me she is not ready for a relationship with another man. She also suggested I meet a friend of hers instead.

I have told her I am interested in a relationship with her when she is ready. I have sent a digital camera and asked for pictures of her and her family, and friends. I would really like to trade recent photos as we continue to exchange email.

Now the camera has become an issue. She refuses to keep it. Therefore, I suggested that I "loan" it to here or that she can pay me back in 80 years if she wants to buy it. She still says no.

Do you think she should keep the camera, without obligation? Or do you think that my hope of a deeper relationship clouds the picture? This issue is making her very uncomfortable

Slow down a bit, guy. Women do not like expensive gifts, no matter how the terms are couched, when they are not or don’t want to be in relationship. Women perceive it as a form of pressure. Listen to her. Continue to grow your friendship. Check my website for Topics to Discuss with the Beloved so you can deepen your friendship and emotional intimacy.

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